Finding the Hero in Your Husband by Julianna Slattery

Author:Julianna Slattery
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
ISBN: 9780757399640
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
Published: 2011-02-22T05:00:00+00:00

Rescuer Meets Helpless

Rescuers are dominant people who want to meet everyone else’s needs. They use their influence and power to mold their relationships around the weaknesses of others. They often find themselves behaving more like a parent than a spouse. Rescuers often communicate, “I know what is best for you, dear. I will take care of you.” They overtly and covertly makes decisions to accommodate and deliver those they love.

Although she may want to help others, a rescuer wife must ask herself why she is so invested in saving her husband. The answer often relates to her own need for security. A rescuer often believes that she is important only because others need her. If her husband needs her, then she does not have to fear his rejection. Although she may appear to be selfless, the rescuer is really acting based on her own fears and insecurities. A rescuing husband may like having a weak and needy wife. Maybe it is this that allows him to feel like the knight in shining armor. However, the role of savior is a heavy burden to carry. The rescuer will never allow himself to become truly vulnerable to his wife. He must always appear able and strong enough to carry her. In becoming her savior, he has eliminated the chance of becoming her friend, lover and teammate.

Rescuing spouses can unwittingly create havoc in their marriages. At an unconscious level, their goal may be to keep their partner stuck. If a rescuer’s husband no longer needs her, then she is at risk for rejection. However, if he remains helpless, he will always be dependent upon her.

Somewhere down the road, someone will inevitably set the Rescuer up with a Helpless. Helpless husbands or wives simply cannot take care of themselves. Their limitations may be physical, spiritual or emotional. The bottom line is that they need others to survive. Helpless spouses are passive and absorbed with the task of getting their own needs met. Since they cannot meet them, they must elicit the help of others.

Helpless wives usually have developed a tried and true strategy of attracting the compassion and resources of others. Sometimes they are attractive, warm and friendly. They may present as lost and helpless puppy dogs. Often their histories are tragic, naturally evoking the helper in their companions.

At times in their lives they have been helpless. However, they have never ventured out of the identity of a victim. Helpless wives live with the daily fear that they will be abandoned, left to their own feeble resources. They invest much of their energy into attracting those who are likely to care for them.

A helpless husband usually has a mother who did a little too much mothering. There is almost always a great mother-in-law story when it comes to such a man! Often his mom and his wife wage warfare over who is going to take care of poor Helpless. He lets them fight it out, resting assured that at least one of them will be there to provide direction and support.

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